WASHINGTON, D.C. — In a bold but questionably compassionate move, the Trump administration announced it will reject all federal spending related to Pride Month, claiming the funds would be “better spent helping homeless veterans.”
When pressed for details on concrete programs to assist those veterans, officials quickly excused themselves to attend an “emergency flag-folding seminar.”
“We believe in real priorities,” said Dale Hammersmith, Deputy Assistant Secretary for Prioritizing Things, while standing in front of a bald eagle mural and what appeared to be an autographed Bible.
“Every rainbow balloon we don’t buy is another MRE in the hands of a hungry Marine. Or at least that’s the idea. I think. Did we budget the MREs yet, Carl?”
Carl, an unpaid intern wearing a MAGA visor and three unpaid parking tickets, responded by shrugging directly into a fax machine.
A Selective Budgetary Reallocation
The announcement arrives days before the start of June, traditionally observed as Pride Month, a time to honor the history, struggles, and triumphs of the LGBTQ+ community.
