Breaking: Tucker Carlson is hired by 𝑨𝑩𝑪 with a large salary and a contract, taking over from The Jimmy Kimmel Show.

In a surprise that no one anticipated, yet strangely everyone did, ABC has chosen to fire late-night comedy stalwart Jimmy Kimmel and give Tucker Carlson the keys.

That’s right, Tucker Carlson, who has spent years honing a style of contentious remarks that makes your family group chat appear like a paradise of civil conversation.

With a contract supposedly so rich that Kimmel’s salaries seem like lunch money, he is now reportedly making the move to network television.

Carlson has already firmly established himself in the late-night entertainment industry after quitting his prior position at Fox News in the midst of a flurry of scandals (because, of course).

America really needs less comedy and more political tirades at 11:35 PM, so ABC has guaranteed that the revamped program would offer “a bold new perspective” to the time slot.

 

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