Breaking: Tucker Carlson is hired by 𝑨𝑩𝑪 with a large salary and a contract, taking over from The Jimmy Kimmel Show.

In a surprise that no one anticipated, yet strangely everyone did, ABC has chosen to fire late-night comedy stalwart Jimmy Kimmel and give Tucker Carlson the keys.

That’s right, Tucker Carlson, who has spent years honing a style of contentious remarks that makes your family group chat appear like a paradise of civil conversation.

With a contract supposedly so rich that Kimmel’s salaries seem like lunch money, he is now reportedly making the move to network television.

Carlson has already firmly established himself in the late-night entertainment industry after quitting his prior position at Fox News in the midst of a flurry of scandals (because, of course).

America really needs less comedy and more political tirades at 11:35 PM, so ABC has guaranteed that the revamped program would offer “a bold new perspective” to the time slot.

 

Elon Musk is accused by Alyssa Milano of causing her financial crisis and career decline.

Breaking News: Oprah Winfrey decides to leave her iconic program and relocate to Italy, saying, “I can’t live in the United States for the next four years and breathe the same air as Elon Musk.”