Goodell went on, “from now on, players will stand tall, proud, and completely devoid of any political opinions—at least during the national anthem.”
In circumstances more suited for a high-stakes heist film than the opening ceremony of America’s favorite sport, security promptly led the players who took the now-famous knee off the field.
Some well-known players were among those banned, including offensive lineman Ricky “Brick House” Davis, wide receiver Devin Thompson, and defensive end Marcus “The Wall” Johnson.
According to reports, everybody was instructed to pack up their lockers, turn in their helmets, and, as a last insult, remove their social media accounts for good measure.
As it turns out, taking a knee is now a disqualifying crime, similar to using performance-enhancing drugs or getting discovered deflating footballs, rather than just being a form of political protest.
With the dismay of a father whose child just hurled a fastball through the living room window, Goodell shook his head and muttered, “We warned them.” “We’ve given them plenty opportunities.
